Who really was the teacher this semester?

Marisol and I spent our last meeting together like we spend most of meetings - talking. We talked about how our days had been so far, plans for Thanksgiving, and gave each other a hard time for not going to the gym early in the morning when we said we would. As I listened to Marisol talk, I could not help but think about how much I enjoy meeting with her and that this was our last meeting. Our meetings can hardly be described as structured tutoring lessons and our venue (the Rec Center) is not quite a classroom setting. Our "meetings" were times of bonding and times to get to know each other.

Confidence radiates from Marisol. I have seen her gain confidence in her speaking and reading abilities, but mostly, I have been able to see how confident she is in herself. I struggle with being confident in myself, and am thankful that I got to know Marisol. When I awaited her before our first meeting, I tried to imagine what she would look like, how she would act, what she expected of me, and how she would perceive me. Marisol surpassed my expectations, and I ended up learning about myself in the process of our weekly tutoring sessions. I saw in her the confidence I so desperately desired. Through learning about her experiences, struggles, and how she overcame them, I have had the opportunity to see someone who has been in the depths of a pit and escaped. She overcame her struggles, and so can I. Who really was the teacher this semester?

What comes next

Going to the gym is my escape and release. The moment I put on my headphones, I enter a different, surreal world. The music begins to play and the beats from the guitar seem to propel my feet faster and faster on the treadmill. Music transforms my persona. Based on the song I am listening to, I can feel reinvigorated, invincible, and unstoppable. Music has that ability to match our feelings and emotions.

While I was imagining myself training for some big race, with my music blaring through my headphones, jogging on the treadmill, I feel a small tap on my shoulder. I stop the treadmill and attempt to catch my breath and re-enter reality. I see Marisol by my side smiling. She and I always joke and give each other a hard time about how we both say we are going to go to the gym. We rarely see each other because one of us always decides to value sleep more than exercise on that particular morning.

Seeing her this morning was such a delight. Unfortunately, she found me not only to say hello but also to tell me that she could not meet this afternoon. Her daughter had a dentist appointment this afternoon during our normal meeting time. I told her that was completely understandable and fine. I told her we could just meet next week and pick up there. "Okay, thank you," she says. "We can meet next week, and then you are gone the week after that for the break, so I think next week is our last meeting right?" she asks. Honestly, I had not even thought about when our last meeting would be or was supposed to be. I told her we would discuss other meetings and continuing tutoring next week if she still wanted to. She seemed excited at the possibility.

My only worry is that it is difficult for me to determine how busy I will be next semester. I do not want to commit to more tutoring sessions and only give a half-hearted effort. I know that all things will work out how they are supposed to, and the right opportunity will present itself and be made clear.

One step at a time

Sitting in the rec center reminds me of when I learned how to two-step. A friend of mine took me to Billy Bob's on my first Thursday night while I was at TCU. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing or how to dance. I wore flip flops to dance in, a definite faux pas in country western dancing. Although I clearly demonstrated my inability to dance or fit into the atmosphere at Billy Bob's, I did not leave discouraged but rather with a desire to learn more. I desired to learn how to dance, how to dress, and how to put on a country western facade. My friend offered to help me, and we would practice late at night in the rec center. He taught me how to dance, how to follow while another person is leading, and some line dances. The next time I went to Billy Bob's, I felt a little more at ease and more experienced. The more times I went, he and I would dance together, and gradually I got better and better.

"I want to learn to read better. One day I will get it." Marisol's words today reminded me of the times when I was learning how to dance. Rather than feeling discouraged, I Marisol is continually inspired and spurred on to learn more. Her ambition to practice and practice is inspiring. She realizes that this process is not quick and cannot be rushed. She doesn't get frustrated, but rather delights in the quest for knowledge because she knows that the result will be worth the wait.

Marisol and I continue to work on her pronunciation and ability to identify and read words. I can see the potential in Marisol. It is sometimes difficult for teachers because when you see the untapped potential in your students, you desire for them to "get it" right away because you know they can do it. Marisol will learn how to read and write on her own time when the time is right. My job is to encourage her time after time until the time is right.

Time to Think. Time to Breathe.

Unfortunately, Marisol and I did not meet this week. I knew that I valued the time that she and I spend together; but I realized it even more today because part of my day felt empty. Meeting with Marisol has become part of my routine; and the break in the routine affected me more than I thought it would.

I had a unexpected meeting come up that I had to go to during the time Marisol and I normally meet. I called her and she was understanding and agreed that meeting next week would be best for both of us. She said that she had many tasks she needed to get done as well, so that break would allow her to get those things done.

I am relieved that I have another week to prepare for Marisol. My weeks get so busy with schoolwork and other activities. I want to make sure that I give my tutoring sessions with Marisol the time and preparation the time it deserves. She and I are continuing to work on pronunciation and sentence construction. As much as she and I try to stay on track during our meetings, we always end up spending at least half of the time talking. I am going to take this time to think and breathe. I need to collect my thoughts, get organized, be prepared all the while remembering my true purpose with Marisol - to establish a relationship.

Last Friday, during the Homecoming festivities a little girl ran up to me and tapped me on my side. I turned around to see who tapped me and glanced down to see a little girl with a big smile and curly black hair. I did not recognize the young girl but said hi anyways. Even after I said hi, she continued to stand there and stare at me. I looked up the pathway beyond the little girl and saw Marisol approaching us smiling. Marisol had told her daughter to run and catch me because she wanted to say hi. I had the opportunity to meet one of Marisol's children and her boyfriend. This experience truly stands out to me because it is evidence of our friendship and that our friendship extends beyond our once-a-week tutoring sessions.

Coffee Talk

"Oh girl! I know exactly what you mean. My husband acts the same way" "Men talk about how complicated women are, but I've spent too many hours of my life trying to figure out that man." "Oh girl, you have no idea. They're all the same," she adds to her best friend jovially. "I just about have to use football terms to get his attention to start some of those chores I need help with." Both women break out into heavy laughter, but are careful not to spill their coffee.

Meeting with Marisol today was like meeting up with an old friend from high school. We talked about her kids, work, and relationships. However, we did not talk about any topic in a particular order or structure. Our conversation just flowed from one topic to the next and ebbed back like the waves on a shore of the beach. It is not a strain to find things to talk about with Marisol. We each contribute to the conversation and offer feedback and advice. To me, the mark of a growing friendship is visible in certain conversational aspects. For example, Marisol remembers details about my life and things that I have said, and then proceeds to ask about them later. I too will follow up with questions related to topics we have discussed before. The fact that we can remember details regarding each other's lives, and care to ask about those aspects later, demonstrates that we each value the relationship. When someone has to continually ask me the same information about myself because they forgot, that is a sign to me that they may not care as much about our relationship or developing it.

Today, Marisol and I talked for our entire meeting. After we both realized how much time had elapsed, we both began to get our belongings together. I apologized for just talking the entire time, and she reassured me that this [talking] helps and that she enjoys it. Her smile was warm and genuine. I left our meeting and walked back to my dorm with an indescribable warm in my heart and smile on my face. I can almost describe the feeling as a feeling of relief or contentment. The ability to connect one-on-one with another person is what binds us all together as humans. We are relational, social creature which is why I think I feel almost relieved and at ease when I leave our meetings. Our conversations are effortless, and our friendship continues to grow.

A Growing Friendship

Learning involves going where we have to go. The journey is an act of discovery and knowledge is gained through the process, not the end result. So far, the process of tutoring Marisol continues to teach me and enlighten me. We practiced saying various everyday words and phrases from the picture dictionary that we had learned last week. Her pronunciation and word identification is continuing to improve. She remembers different pronunciation tricks and rules that we practice, and it is evident that she is pr acting and taking to heart what we learn during our tutoring sessions. We also reviewed when to use capital letters. During our first meeting, we had practiced how to write the alphabet in upper and lower case. I thought it would then be a practical idea to learn when to use the upper and lower case letters in everyday language and writing. We practiced these concepts last week, and took today as an opportunity to review. I am so proud of Marisol and the progress she is making. The feeling I have when I leave tutoring is truly indescribable. A feeble attempt to describe that feeling would be to say that I feel fulfilled, worthwhile, and useful. I struggle with feeling useless and inadequate, but Marisol continually reminds me, directly and indirectly, that I have gifts and a purpose. I am so thankful for her in my life.

Distracted

This past meeting with Marisol was rather uneventful. I felt as if I were rushing to get done with our exercises because I knew she had to leave early to go pay her rent, and it was the Wednesday of fall break. I knew my dad was on his way to come pick me up, and he hates it when I make him wait on me after he's sat in excruciating traffic to come get me.

Marisol and I practiced identifying and saying words in the Spanish/English picture dictionary. That seemed to help, but I cannot help but feel like I am not doing enough to push her so that she sees progress. We also looked at examples of when to use capital letters from exercises that I printed off from the Internet. She understood all the examples, and seemed to glean some knowledge from that exercise as well. Next week, we are going to look at the picture dictionary again and write sentences based on the words we practice. I may try having her mimic sentences that I write and read them aloud, and then have her write sentences of her own if she feels comfortable. Marisol speaks English proficiently, however, writing seems to be her biggest obstacle. I desperately desire to help her achieve her goal. After this last meeting, I felt inadequate and that I was not doing enough to help her.

Practice Makes Perfect

I am continually amazed by Marisol. Her confident and feisty personality inspires me to take more pride in myself and to appreciate myself for who I am. Despite physically and emotionally abusive relationships, Marisol continues to have a positive attitude and focuses on the important tasks at hand in her life. When I am around her, I begin to feel more confident in myself because I see the beauty in continual persistence and determination in her.

In our tutoring session yesterday, Marisol told me about how she was hospitalized not too long ago because of depression. She continues to battle issues with depression, but makes a genuine effort daily to combat that problem. Rather that wallowing in self pity, Marisol wakes up everyday, looks in the mirror, and tells her reflection that she is beautiful, successful, and worthy. She embraces who she is and celebrates her accomplishments in life, rather than focusing on the negative aspects.

I also feel as if I have a purpose and am making a difference. I treasure and value the feeling I have when I walk back to my dorm room after having met with Marisol for our tutoring sessions. The ability to make a difference in someone else's life is a feeling that is difficult to describe. As the sun streams down, kissing the freshly-cut grass, a gentle breeze whips through my hair, the weather is truly ideal, and for a brief moment everything seems right in the world and in my life. I forget about all of my other mundane tasks that need to be completed for various classes and organizations, I forget about drama surrounding my friends and family, and I forget about the stress I feel when I contemplate my future because currently it is full of uncertainty and doubt. For a brief moment in my week, I do not doubt my abilities and gifts as a student or as a person. I feel as if I have purpose, and cannot help but to close my eyes, breathe in the fresh, warm air, and smile as I exhale. The days that I tutor make me appreciate the beauty in the world and the simple acts of kindness and servitude.

Creating a Curriculum

I think sometimes we forget that the people we encounter and interact with in our daily lives do not live in a vacuum. Everyone does not work around our time schedule. We are all forced to deal with emotionally and physically taxing situations, and we are not alone in our endeavors to get through everyday, day-by-day.

This thought came to me today because Marisol called me earlier this morning and told me that she had to cancel our scheduled appointment. One of her children had to go to the doctor because they were in need of shots, and the time that we normally meet was the only time she could take her child. I cannot imagine adding caring for children to my daily routine. Sometimes, I catch myself forgetting that the people I interact with on a daily basis have emotional baggage, prior commitments, and confusing thoughts running through their minds simultaneously.

I was disappointed that Marisol and I did not get to meet today because I am excited to get started with a curriculum I am attempting to prepare, and I miss getting to talk to her. She and I are able to relate on many issues that we both face in our lives, especially regarding boyfriends. Trying to prepare a curriculum and lesson plan proved to be both exciting and daunting. I never realized how much preparation goes into preparing a lesson plan for one class on one day. Although the task seemed difficult at first, I was surprised at how excited I got as I perused the various study aids I have obtained. I look forward to meeting with Marisol next week, as well as enhance and prepare a curriculum that I hope will help her during our times together.

Getting to know Marisol - Week Two

Yesterday, Marisol and I met for our second tutoring session, and it was far from what I expected. She and I talked for 45 minutes just about things going on in our lives. She is not happy with the guy she is dated right now because he is too controlling over what she wears, what she does with her free time and who she talks to. I suppose he feels threatened that he will lose her to another man. She realizes this and finds his behavior to be unacceptable and intolerable. I broke up with a guy I dated for a long time, and one of the reasons I did this was because he would get jealous easily and try to control and manipulate me. Marisol is much stronger than me, and has no reservations about telling her boyfriend how she should be treated.

At only age twenty-six, Marisol has encountered so many challenges. She has four children whom she provides for by working at TCU in the housekeeping department and working for other families in the area by cleaning their houses. She is very confident in herself and her abilities. She says that she tells herself that she is beautiful and successful, and does not need a man to make her happy or provide for her. She knows that is capable and can take care of herself. I envy her confidence and tenacity. Despite abusive relationships, desperately trying to support her family, and being so far from her family in Mexico, Marisol manages to remain confident and sure of herself to accomplish her goals without comprising herself. Marisol has been such an inspiration to me. I hope to feel confident about myself like Marisol does.

I felt guilty yesterday because Marisol and I did not get to practice writing or vocabulary for very long. I told this to her, and she said that she enjoys talking and that talking helps too. Getting to know her has been such a pleasure. I see her at the gym some mornings because she comes early to work out before she goes to work at seven. She and I wave and talk, and I am so glad I've had this opportunity to know her.

First meeting with Marisol

The class discussion today centered around the Annie Dillard excerpt from her autobiography, An American Childhood, in which throughout the entire piece Dillard draws from specific instances in her childhood that made a significant impact on her life. However, Dillard never mentions any memories from school, a period of one's life that seems to occupy the most time. The class found this rather unusual because the time we all spent in school and spend in school continues to take up a significant portion in all of our lives.

Today, I met with Marisol, who, like Dillard, would not include memories from school in her autobiography, but for a very different reason. Marisol was not able to attend school like we do everyday. When we met up today, she was very eager and willing to learn. She said that she wanted to work on reading and writing because that was the portion of her citizenship exam that gave her the most trouble. She did not pass the first time she took it because of her difficulties with reading and writing. She has passed since then, but is eager to become more efficient.

I was not sure how to begin, but I suppose we all learn by going where we have to go. So, I began at the very beginning, and we practiced saying and writing the alphabet in upper and lower case. We practiced writing basic sentences so that she could learn the letters and the sounds they make, and also, so that I could learn about her and what she likes to do. She is very busy supporting her four children because she is a single mother. Her persistence and desire to learn is truly incredible because I know that she must have many other commitments and worries that cloud her mind. However, she choices to make time to practice her reading and writing. I wish I could harness her eagerness and thirst for knowledge. I lack that zeal for learning often and realized today that I take advantage of the opportunities that I have to learn. I am so blessed, and it is humbly to share that blessing with another individual.

Next week we are going to practice writing more sentences and reading them out loud. She is bringing in some pieces from her citizenship exam that gave her trouble so that she practice and work on it. She already seems like the type of person who not settle for less than her best, but rather, she strives to achieve success.

The street I grew up on

Peering through the beveled glass of my mahogany door, I see that the mailman has already come. The air, fresh and crisp, gently brushes across my body and carries with it the giggles and laughter from neighbors at the end of the cul-de-sac. The sun peeks through the interlocking, finger-like branches and sunlight scatters and darts in various directions across the yard. Two trees lie on either side of the brick-lined, stone walkway. Two trees in the front yard are fairly standard, and their symmetrical placement as dictated by the Homeowners’ Associations, is repeated down the block. Every house has a grey or black shingled roof. Every house is made of brick. The color of brick varies from a blushing pink, to a steely gray, to clay dirt red. These miniature fortresses line the street on both sides with perfectly manicured shrubs hugging the windows.
A SUV sits in front of every other house. The stickers on the back windows of the cars have changed over time from dictating the various private elementary schools, to now announcing everyone’s college-of-choice. We grew up on this street. The same parents that used to push their children in strollers around the block or watch them draw with sidewalk chalk, now way goodbye to their teenagers as they leave for class in their school uniform or their young adults as they pack up their trunk to the very brim before leaving for college. Everyone is growing up, the leaves continue to change color and fall from the trees, but the air is always crisp, always fresh, and will always smell the same.